Marry Tiger, Get Cheated on, Settle for $750 Million

Not exactly the simplest get-rich-quick-scheme ever invented, but it’ll do. Elin Nordegren appears poised to add a whole new definition to the term “settlement.” Tiger Woods’ soon-to-be-ex-wife has reportedly reached an agreement that will have the golf star paying her $750 million, but it doesn’t come without strings.

The largest celebrity divorce settlement in history would require Elin to refrain from ever speaking about what happened with Tiger. This means no Larry King Live, no book-deals, no Oprah; even when Tiger dies, she still may not speak about their marital troubles. $750 million is allegedly the price Tiger agreed upon to keep his newly-built reputation intact.

While this isn’t exactly New York news, it’s too good to ignore and involves settlement issues that can come up anywhere.

In addition to forking over a few bucks (three-quarters of a billion dollars, to be exact), Tiger will be prohibited from gallivanting any of his lady friends around his children, at least while he’s married…as if that’s going to result in them leading normal lives.

Elin is rumored to be getting full physical custody of the kids, while she and Tiger will have joint legal custody. This would mean she cannot take the children to live with her in Sweden as some rumors have reported.

It’s incredibly hard though to feel bad for Tiger Woods considering his unreal ability to hit a golf ball, his massive bank account, and his beautiful Swedish wife, right?

Well, not-quite-as-massive bank account, and that’s former-beautiful-Swedish-wife, now.